We’ve often heard about the effect of the relationship between parents on children, but what about the high divorce rates among couples with children with disabilites? Does this have to be the norm?
No, according to Dr. Laura Marshak, author of Married with Special-Needs Children (co-authored with Fran Prezant).  Dr. Marshak notes that many studies do point out higher divorce rates; for families with children with autism, there have been rates quoted as high as 85-90 percent. 
“I think that rate is not entirely accurate,” said Dr. Marshak, “and it scares many parents. Despite the fact that divorce rates are higher, at least to some extent, I don't think it is helpful for parents to assume they must become one of those statistics.”
So what can couples with special-needs children do to beat the disability-and-divorce odds?
“One of the first things couples can do is to make a decision to protect their marriage; they must understand that they are entitled to a decent marriage, no matter how many needs their children have,” said Dr. Marshak. “One of the steps involved with this is deciding that their relationship as a couple extends beyond parenting and that they need to devote at least a little bit of time to it.”
Dr. Marshak advises couples to devote just 20 minutes per day to each other, noting that 20 minutes is less than two percent of an entire day. “I think it’s helpful for couples to understand that protecting their marriage is actually good for their children. Often parents of kids with disabilities feel that they will be taking vital time away from their children. Some also feel guilt that they have caused the disorder; that’s another obstacle."
What about counseling for parents of special-needs children?
Counseling can be an effective way for couples to restore balance when things become rocky. Tina Calabro, mother of a 12-year-old son with cerebral palsy, sought out counseling when she thought she and her husband Dave were headed for divorce. Through counseling sessions, she learned how to express her frustration and her reasons for taking over so much of her son’s care. Their parental roles began to shift, and today her husband is a full partner as they raise their son together.
“We stayed together!” Tina shared. “We celebrate our 20th anniversary this year.”
For some couples, having children with disabilities can actually bring them closer. When Beth Donofrio learned that her 6-month-old baby was deaf, it came as a shock. “I spent a whole week crying. My husband was very supportive. Then one day, I woke up and decided that I was done crying and I would do everything I could to communicate with my daughter.  Chris and I took sign classes together, and he was very involved. Those years were actually a good time in our marriage.”  Beth and Chris later divorced for reasons unrelated to her daughter’s disability. They remain close friends today.
Special-Needs Children = Special Attention to the Marriage
Finally, Dr. Marshak shares a wonderful quote from a parent of a child with Fragile X Syndrome:  “The advice I give to couples who sail into a storm and are fighting is: ‘Don't hack at your boat in a storm. If you are in the middle of a crisis, don't take the very support you have and start whacking at it, because that is dumb. You should love, nurture, and care for the other person or you are not going to make it through the storm.’"
Communication Tips for Keeping Your Marriage StrongDr. Marshak recommends these actions for avoiding the "disability and divorce" syndrome:
  • Use empathy with your partner
  • Reflect back what you understand
  • Avoid dangerous comments
  • Compromise with each other
  • Be flexible
  • Keep arguments from escalating
  • Fight fairly
  • Make repair gestures